Women’s Leadership Conference gives tips on how to stop sabotaging your career

During Cornerstone Credit Union’s recent Women’s Leadership Conference, Lois Frankel, Ph.D., led the session, “Nice Girls STILL Don’t Get the Corner Office: 10 Ways to Stop Sabotaging Your Career.”

Frankel asked attendees to consider if they suffer from “nice girl” syndrome. How do you know if this applies to you? If you behave according to the rules you were taught in childhood or what you faced as a child, then you are most likely a nice girl. How do you balance strengths from childhood with new behaviors? By the time girls turn 13, they start “dumbing down” to fit in and act in ways to make people like them. Women sometimes avoid being too powerful for fear that men might reject them and don’t aggressively pursue their goals because it might make others uncomfortable.

She added, “You don’t ask for what you really want—just want you think you can get. Men get more because they ask for more. You believe it’s your job to take care of everyone else.”

Top ten mistakes women make in the workplace:

1. Make miracles—getting more done with fewer resources, less time, and less money. Women get canonized for this not recognized. It’s not how hard you work that establishes your reputation. Instead say yes but with parameters, clearly stating what you can do with the allotted resources and giving options.
2. Don’t take time to network. Women feel like they must be in the office instead of out building a network. Those with the largest networks get jobs faster. It’s important to build strong 360-degree relationships.
3. Fail to set boundaries. Your mother-in-law calls to say she’s coming to stay for a month. Instead of just saying yes, give her dates your family is available, letting her know that you want to spend quality time together.
4. Strive for perfection, which is a waste of time. Women do this to overcompensate, prove our worth and our positions. Know when good enough is good enough.
5. Ignore the “look and sound” of success. Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.
6. Have an unclear vision/branding of yourself. Market, hone, and develop your brand. You are a brand in the workplace.
7. Tolerate inappropriate behavior.
8. Don’t ask for what we want. We ask for what we think we can get.
9. Use too many words, so people tune us out. Men use 7,000-10,000 words, while women use 15,000-20,000. Cut communications by 25% and be more direct.
10. Avoid difficult conversations.

Top 10 ways to win the game:

1. Play to win. If women are too assertive, they are seen as bitchy, while men are seen as confident. Learn how to say it.
2. Learn the nuances of female negotiations. Women can’t negotiate like men. We need relational negotiations not transactional ones. Negotiation is a good skill to develop. Remember, it’s not a personal transaction.
3. Use DESCript for difficult conversations. (D=describe, E=explain and elicit, S=specify desired outcomes, and C=create consequences).
4. Communicate in headlines and taglines. The first thing out of your mouth should be the main point. Use the formula: Main point + supporting point + supporting point + supporting point. At the end ask if there’s any reason to not move forward (tagline).
5. Manage your emotions at workplace. When you get upset, apply these steps: a. Politely excuse yourself.b. Ask yourself what is making you sad/angry and put words to it.c. Ask yourself who this person reminds you of, and if you’re deflecting on someone. d. Go back and say thanks for giving you a minute. Now, you can calmly discuss why you’re upset.
6. Stop doing your “job.” Just doing your job is not enough. You need to add value. What can you do to add value?
7. Capitalize on internal and external “quid pro quo”—networking and collaboration. This is part of office politics. Make sure to cash in your chips.
8. Employ “contrasting.” Identify what you do want and what you don’t want.
9. Sit at the table. If you’re not at the table, you are not in the meeting. Amplify other women—if a woman gives an idea, affirm it. Ask questions and give an opinion.
10. Build your brand using WALLET: W = write it down (what you want people to say about you when you leave the room); A = apply observable behaviors; L = look to the edge of your playing field at your company (winners); L = let others know about it; E = elicit feedback; andT = treat others with abundance (giving something back). People don’t know you by your intentions; they know you by your behavior.